So many times in my life I’ve told myself I’m not loveable. When people get too close to me they will see the real me. They see my impatience, my stubbornness, my laziness and my temper and that will cause them to give up on me. I’ve had several long term relationships in my life, including a failed marriage, all of which left me with a story in my head…. that everyone leaves me in the end.
Three of the most influential people in my life all died within 4 years of each other- my grandpa Jack, my Nanny Esther and my Mum. Wiping out the two generations above me on one side. They left me too.
After reading an Instagram post I did on this a good friend said to me “Now it makes sense, whenever someone lets you down you immediately start to work out how/if you can survive without them…” and she is right. It’s like I feel like if they are going to leave anyway, I may as well get in first and remain in control, or to protect myself from being hurt.
After attending a WTribe Mindfulness class last week, I said those words out loud to a room full of women “Everyone leaves me in the end”. I then had awareness that this was actually a story impacting my relationships and my life. I spent some time his week to reflect on this mindfully, to work out whether this story was true, and what I could do to change it.
The first story I had to debunk was that my family passing away was my fault, and to realise that they did not leave me. Deep down I know this to be true, its only when I’m feeling particularly sorry for myself that I challenge myself that there was more I could have done to save them.
I also had to face a hard truth that in most situations in my life where I’ve parted ways from people, it was my decision. Whether that was due to self sabotage or a realization that my values were no longer aligned to theirs, once I realized I was not a victim in these situations I could then deal with the reasons why I walked away.
Now this is my life. A man who loves me so deeply, yet sometimes we struggle to communicate our emotions to each other, which scares me and makes us both put up our walls. Two children who love their mummy unconditionally and a baby due any minute now. I have incredible friends and family and a career where I am surrounded by amazing women who also have these stories they tell themselves that are not true, but we help each other everyday to get through them. We show each other that its not wrong to think like this, but once you are aware, you have a choice. I am choosing to see things differently, for mine and my families happiness.
This life is teaching me every day that I am loveable. The unconditional love I have in my life is all I need to start to realise that people don’t leave me, I give up. I give up because I’m scared I’m not enough. I give up because I used to compare myself to others and I so desperately wanted to look like I had it all together.
Even when I try to give up on these guys they don’t let me. They remind me that I am loved and I am enough… just as I am…and so are you.